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Life and what it has become of me… I have been thinking a lot about life, finding the balance in life and how to make the most out of life. It has been 10 months after the horrid emotion-related disaster where I was hit by a tsunami of emotion and being pulled to the middle of the sea nearly drowning. At times, I chose to draw my last breath and just shallow the water. Lucky, I was saved by friends and strangers alike who endlessly gave me live savers (deluxe package) in the form of motivations.

I have once loved a man, was left and am still living my life. Truth be it, it still saddens me whenever the flash flood of memories pours in high volume more than what my heart can contain. Nauman once told me a year is enough for me to rejuvenate and start dating, which I doubt is the case. According to the phobia list, I am suffering from philophobia (fear of falling in love and being in love). There are times when I told myself that life is unfair; some people find their happiness at the expense of hurting another person. Unfair and cruel.

If you really have to know, I still sulk whenever I hear his name or even look at his name via Facebook. The power of love is the powerful destroyer of one self.

Till date, those who do not know what I have suffered earlier this year, are making theories one after another. Pickiness, lesbianism and God knows what. Ashley told me that I have too strong a character and too independent to have a boyfriend. If I were to love someone, I am sure that someone is not one who regulates my life but someone who accepts me as who I am.

At this age when maturity has sprung like beautiful blooms, I cannot bring myself to love someone who has no mercy to human kind, who is ignorant on what is happening at the other side of the world, who will ask and never understand why am I helping the refugees and migrant workers. Perhaps, I am a bit tad too picky. But seriously, all this while, I have chosen the selected few and ended up making the wrong choices. Imagine, if I don’t even bother to choose and just pick at random.

I have been hopping on and off planes, venturing into little adventures, trying to discover myself and finding the cure of a broken heart. I have not found any cure and I know exactly why – because I am not ready to forgive and start believing in love again.